The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto theporch.
Someone dialed 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You’re running around with other women," she charged.
"You’re being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You’re the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be
awakened by someone poking (戳, 捅, 拨开, 刺)him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you’re doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs."
Little Mary: I find in my history book there is always such number (1451--1560) after the name Christopher Columbus. Would you please explain why, sir?
Little Rose: I can tell her, sir. It was Columbus’s telephone number.
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don´t worry, son. Your mother will come back. She´s only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it´s father´s turn to do the job.
Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he´s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork´s parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he´s been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"
In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you’re just ball-and-chained. In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you can’t even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. In prison there are sadistic wardens. At work, we have managers.
Give up your seat to a lady
Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"You've done the right thing," says Mommy.
"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
A girl was given a beautiful charm bracelet for her birthday. She wore it to school, but nobody noticed it. Finally she stood up and said, "My dear, it’s hot here. I think I’ll take off my bracelet."
A woman walks into a pet shop and sees a cute little dog. She asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?”
The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bite.”
The woman tries to pet the dog and the dog bites her.
“Ouch!” She says, “I thought you said your dog does not bite!”
The shopkeeper replies, “That is not my dog!”
Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month.
小时侯上学，把“English” 读为“应给利息”的同学当了银行行长; 读为“阴沟里洗”的成了菜贩子; 读为“因果联系”的成了哲学家; 读为“硬改历史”的成了政治家; 读为“英国里去”的成了海外华侨; 而我，不小心读成了“应该累死”结果成了打工的!
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "That’s not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says, "That’s not creative."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
Two friends were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you? "
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watch others work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."
A husband and wife,both 91,stood before a judge,asking for a divorce."I don't understand,"He said,"Why do you want a divorce at this time of life?"
the husband explained "Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died."
Dentist: Please stop howling. I haven't even touched your tooth yet.
Patient: I know. But you are standing on my foot!
Two young men who were joining the Navy were asked, "Do you know how to swim?"
They both looked puzzled , and one replied, "What’s the matter, aren’t there
enough ships? "
An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman: How much this stuff?
Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap. The lady said, It is too much, give it to me for fourteen.I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven.
It is still too much, replied the old lady, give it to me for five.